Pride & Enduring Allyship for the LGBTQ2IA+ Community 🌈
By Melissa Andrada (Mel - she/they), a Joy & Healing Keynote Speaker, Workshop Facilitator, Leadership Coach & Strategic Advisor collaborating with organizations to co-design cultures where people feel safe and joyful at work. ❤️
How can you meaningfully hold space for your LGBTQ2IA+ colleagues and communities?
Pride Workshop at Groundfloor in Oakland with the Optimist Collective
Photo by Gillian Stargensky
In honor of Pride Month, I’ve curated a collection of strategies to resource aspiring straight cisgender allies to more skillfully support, celebrate and elevate their LGBTQ2IA+ colleagues.
Our hope is to nourish a society where there is no need for a global awareness month — where there is a deeper global collective foundation for love, respect and belonging during all months of the year.
We know that diverse teams outperform the market — and that psychological safety is the most common attribute of a high-performing team. If we care about high performance, we need to care about safety — particularly the safety of our most marginalized people.
I share this piece as as one individualized queer perspective in the vast rainbow of LGBTQ2IA+ experiences, ranging in tones, textures, shapes, sizes. My experiences are rooted in my own journey as a queer multi-gender loving and gender-questioning Filipina American born in Nigeria who came to the States as an undocumented immigrant. I bring the professional lens of strategic advisor, motivational speaker and somatic arts therapist for leaders and organizations that have included Out in Tech, Docusign, Lesbians Who Tech, Bi the Way and UK Government’s Digital Service.
An invitation for compassionate criticality and celebration as your move through this offering. I know some of this content can feel heavy. Take a moment to pause and take three deep breaths from your diaphragm before reading on. Your breath is always a tool to come back.
Pride Workshop at Groundfloor with the Optimist Collective
Photo by Gillian Stargensky
Enduring Allyship Strategies
An invitation to adopt these practices
1. Know the difference between Critical Allyship versus Performative Allyship.
2. Create compassionate space to reflect on the straight cisgender privileges and power you carry.
3. Share pronouns to honor individual humanity and trans & nonbinary visibility.
4. Bear witness to queer stories of oppression and exclusion.
5. Skillfully challenge homophobic and transphobic microaggressions. Be open to giving and receiving feedback.
6. Donate a percentage of your monthly income to support LGBTQ2IA+ organizations.
7. Vote and volunteer! Campaign for love and civic justice.
8. Lastly, remember to celebrate how far we’ve come! Queer joy keeps this work sustainable. <3
Alphabet 101
In case you don’t know what the acronym stands for, read the 101 summary below, inspired by the Human Rights Campaign and American Civil Liberties Union. Be mindful the language is imperfect, limited and constantly changing; remember to honor the unique individuality of each person in their gender and sexual identity. If you’re well versed in the language of our acronym, you can read ahead.
L (LESBIAN)
“A woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. Women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.” -Human Rights Campaign
G (GAY)
“A person who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Men, women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.” -Human Rights Campaign
B (BISEXUAL / PANSEXUAL / FLUID)
“A person emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one gender, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. Sometimes used interchangeably with pansexual [or fluid.]” -Human Rights Campaign
T (TRANSGENDER)
“An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth. Being transgender does not imply any specific sexual orientation. Therefore, transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.” -Human Rights Campaign
Q (QUEER / QUESTIONING)
“A term people often use to express a spectrum of identities and orientations that are counter to the mainstream. Queer is often used as a catch-all to include many people, including those who do not identify as exclusively straight and/or folks who have non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement.” -Human Rights Campaign
“Queer is a broad term that some may prefer to identify as because it doesn't feel like a label and has a sense of vagueness to it.” -ACLU
“A term used to describe people who are in the process of exploring their sexual orientation or gender identity.” -ACLU
2S (TWO SPIRIT)
“Two Spirit is a third gender found in many Native American cultures, often involving folks who identify with multiple genders and express themselves as such.” -ACLU
I (INTERSEX)
“Intersex people are born with a variety of differences in their sex traits and reproductive anatomy. -Human Rights Campaign
A (ASEXUAL)
“Often called “ace” for short, asexual refers to a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction or lack of interest in sexual activity with others. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and asexual people may experience no, little or conditional sexual attraction.” -Human Rights Campaign
+ (PLUS)
“This term, in the spectrum encompasses (or at least attempts to) folks that might be missed by the previous letters.” -ACLU
The Global State of the LGBTQ+ Community:
Why does allyship matter?
The LGBTQ2IA+ community is growing in size globally, more and more people feel safe to come out. IPSOS Pride Survey 2024 found nearly 1 in 10 adults across 30 countries identify as LGBTQ+. According to Gallup research, 7.6% of U.S. adults self identified as LGBTQ+ in 2023, up from 3.5% in 2012. Younger generations are more than twice as likely to self identify, with 22.3+% of Generation Z Americans self identifying as LGBTQ+.
Despite the global growth in our population, in many parts of the world, it is still unsafe to be seen. According to the Human Rights Campaign, only 18% of nations (36 total) recognize same sex marriage. The Law on Us Report by International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Association showed 32% (61 total) of UN member nations criminalize consensual same-sex sexual activity in law. Whilst we have made strides globally in terms of legal rights and protections, we are simultaneously seeing regression and backlash, most recently, the rejection to nullify anti-gay law that provides the death penalty in Uganda and the 500+ anti-trans legislation spread across state legislatures.
Whilst many of you reading this post feel safe, many folks around the world need our care, support and allyship. You have the opportunity to impact our future history.
Workshop on Confidence & Authentic Leadership at General Assembly, New York City
Photo by Jesse Whiles
1.
Know the difference between Critical Allyship versus Performative Allyship.
It’s important to recognize the distinction between Performative Allyship versus Critical Allyship. My thinking on these differences was co-created by Zahida Sherman, a brilliant DEI consultant and co-facilitator, queer ally and dear friend.
I know some folks might feel activated reading this content -- and it’s okay to feel strong emotions. I encourage you to approach this thinking with compassionate curiosity. We’re all imperfect and still learning.
Performative Allyship requires minimal thought and effort:
PR-driven, very public and Instagrammable with no meaningful change internally.
Sets vague commitments and goals, while often avoiding accountability. Example: The vague promise of hire more diverse leaders with no check-ins versus the specificity of our 5-year intention is to have 10% of our leadership come from the LGBTQ2IA+ community with quarterly and annual progress reports.
Seeks a band aid solution to avoid guilt or bad press. Example: one-off personal or company donation during Pride Month rather than a committed multi-year donation and volunteer effort.
Preserves self or company image while remaining reactive to meeting employee and community needs. Example: Waiting for queer employees to ask for an LGBT2QIA+ Employee Resource Group and strategic budget.
Is accomplished when the ally feels peace and publicly recognized
Relies on others to do the work. Example: Relying on queer BIPOC employees to run ERGs for free, be on the company website and educate their straight white colleagues on intersectional homophobia and racism.
Critical Allyship focuses on sustained acts of solidarity by:
Centering marginalized voices, which requires curiosity and humility. Does not speak on behalf of LGBTQ2IA+ people, understands the embodied benefits of straight cis white privilege in the workplace.
Setting meaningful organizational and personal commitments and goals, courageously encouraging accountability. Example: By 2034, 50% of leadership self identify as people of color, 15% self identify as LGBTQ2IA+.
Confronting conscious and unconscious language and behaviors of oppression. Example: Being mindful of the importance of pronouns and gender oppression in everyday conversations.
Challenging and reworking systems of power, transfering protections and benefits to the marginalized. Example: Offering 6-month parental leave that can be distributed equitably between multiple co-parents.
Acknowledging this is hard and uncomfortable yet ultimately leads to deeper joy, belonging and safety
Workshop on Authentic Leadership at The New York Times
Photo by Jesse Whiles
2.
Create compassionate space to reflect on the straight cisgender privileges and power you carry.
Straight Cisgender Privilege
To what extent, is this true for you?
1. I don't have to ‘come out’ or announce my gender or sexual orientation; it is assumed.
2. I am not worried about being fired from my job because of my gender expression or sexual orientation.
3. I am not afraid of violence because of my gender expression or sexual orientation.
4. I can use public restrooms without stress, fear or anxiety.
5. My gender identity is not considered a mental health pathology by the medical system.
6. I am not worried about losing my family or friends because of my sexual orientation.
7. I don’t have to remind my colleagues, friends or family to use the right pronouns.
8. My right to get married is never questioned.
9. I can immediately see my loved ones in the hospital in the event of injury or illness
10. My gender and sexual orientation feels represented and seen in mainstream media.
How are you feeling in your body as you reflect on your answers?
What do you want to do differently based on this reflection?
Thank you for sharing, Susan Garcia Jones! ❤️
Based on reflections, potential actions we invite you to take, adapt to the cultural and individual context:
Use gender neutral language (e.g. avoiding ‘sir’ or ‘ma'am’, ‘guys’ or ‘ladies’,) when referring to a person or group of people when you do not explicitly know their gender identities.
Aspire to show the diversity of gender and gender expression in visual media, whether it’s an advertising campaign, company website or presentation. Be mindful of performative visual representation of your organization; this is a difficult dance.
Create a flexible dress code that enables people to authentically express their professional self.
Support LGBTQ2IA+ external vendors, freelancers, partners and small business owners. Check out Everywhere is Queer!
Be mindful of the bias, judgment and assumptions you might carry around a person’s gender, gender expression or pronouns. Gently re-direct assumptions that might come up.
Approach organizational restrooms with intention and care. Gender neutral rooms, particularly single-use rather than group, provide a level of flexibility and inclusion across different needs and perspectives. I know this can be a point of contention, and recommend co-creating your implementation with employees.
Be aware of the bias and assumptions you might carry around a person’s sexual orientation and relationship status, and the gender of their present or past partner (s). Do not explicitly ask what their orientation or relationship status is. If they want to share that information, they will volunteer it.
Be sensitive around the parenthood and pregnancy journey. Some folks may not have the same level of ease and access to having a kid and may experience grief. Provide resources and benefits around holistic fertility, childcare and parental leave.
Create a compassionate learning space to grow your knowledge of LGBTQ+ history, politics and issues by visiting a museum, reading a book, watching a movie, subscribing to a newsletter or listening to a podcast.
Hopefully, this reflection on unconscious privileges serves as a catalyst to compassionately fight for the rights and protections for the LGBTQ2IA+ communities.
Booking reading with Bi+ writer and activist Jen Winston at the SF LGBTQ+ Center & Optimistic Collective
3.
Share pronouns to honor individual humanity and trans & nonbinary visibility.
Melissa Andrada
(Mel - she/they)
An invitation to share your pronouns in your Zoom/Meet handle, social media profiles, email signature and meeting introductions. This is particularly important if you hold a position of leadership within your organization and community. You set the tone for what is included, what is excluded.
“Pronouns, then, aren’t just about the ability to use a word like ‘she.’ They are ultimately about our ability to be. This has never just been about who gets to speak. This has always been about who gets to live.”
Post Show Greeting with Alok <3
The practice of sharing our pronouns is a simple yet powerful way of helping ensure people are honored in their gender and humanity whilst raising awareness around trans rights. Some of my clients have critically pointed out that it can come off as an act of performative allyship if people do not genuinely want to share their pronouns nor see the cultural significance. Others (including a small sample size of LGBTQ2IA+ folks) have pointed out they do not want to pigeonholed by their gender and pronouns particularly when meeting people for the first time. I get that; no one wants to be reduced to a box or a label. Yet, I believe the absence of a practice of intentionally sharing pronouns creates space for more potential misgendering and harm, whilst the presence of pronouns raises visibility and personal reflection, which leads to meaningful and enduring change.
How might you effectively introduce pronouns in meetings?
Adapt the language and actions to the needs of your specific audience and context
Explain why pronouns matter; often we assume people know its importance or meaning. I once facilitated a workshop in London where someone didn’t know what a pronoun actually was.
“We encourage folks to share their pronouns to help cultivate a culture of equity and inclusion. Sharing our pronouns, for example, they/them, she/her, he/him, they/he, helps each individual share how they wish to be referred to. For example, my pronouns are they or she.
We may hold incorrect assumptions or perceptions of someone’s gender identity or pronouns. We aim to honor the individual humanity of each person in the room.”Highly encourage the practice yet make it invitational as some folks may feel awkward, uncomfortable, or simply wish to protect their privacy.
“This might be a practice you’re new to, and we encourage you to try it on. Sharing is invitational.”Encourage repetition when new people join a group or team to re-enforce the sharing of pronouns as a ritual.
We know this language is imperfect, and we encourage you to have grace for each other.
Pride Workshop at Groundfloor in Oakland with the Optimist Collective
Photo by Gillian Stargensky
4.
Bear witness to queer stories of oppression and exclusion.
“You are brave. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing.”
According to the Human Rights Campaign, 59% of LGBTQ adults in the States alone are battling poor mental health today. Our queer youth are our most vulnerable: 35% of LGBTQ youth have seriously considered attempting suicide, compared to 13% of non-LGBTQ youth. There is always hope: LGBTQ youth who have at least one accepting adult in their life were 40% less likely to attempt suicide.
When I was in the beginning stages of my coming out journey in 2014, I felt I had to work harder and be even more high performing than my straight colleagues. I felt like something was wrong with me.
“You’re not good enough.
You don’t belong here.”
Bearing witness is one of the most powerful ways you can help LGBTQ+ people heal. It is the opposite of gaslighting; a practice of deep listening that sensitively acknowledges the truth of the experiences of the person sharing. It is a practice of being with the pain and suffering of others so they do not have to do it alone.
Sometimes all we need is for one person to accept us — for some folks, stay alive.
Folks in the Alphabet carry the unfair emotional labor and inner work of dealing with daily forms of oppression that takes away our sense of humanity. This may be correcting clients on our pronouns, navigating a parent coming to terms with our sexuality or simply feeling unsafe in straight spaces because of who we are and how we relate and love.
Acknowledging the experiences of oppression of your LGBTQ2IA+ friends, family and colleagues — no matter where they are on their Pride journey — can help create space for them to be.
In your 1:1 conversations at work, you can practice the role of witness and ally. The practices below are inspired by my work in somatic arts therapy and clinical psychology, alongside this post on Coaching for Equity and Transformation.
State your intention for genuine support and care: “I’m here to hold space for you. I’m sensing something important you might want to share with me. If you’re comfortable sharing, I’m here to support you. I also want to honor your boundaries if you don’t feel like sharing.”
Anchor into presence, literally feel your feet on the ground, listen deeply without the intention to speak. When in doubt, W.A.I.T. (Why am I talking?), inspired by mentor Mushim Ikeda at the East Bay Meditation Center.
“
I have come to see the body as both a holder of unintegrated stories and as a storyteller.”
Hold silence for three deep breaths to let the energy of being seen and heard soak into the person’s body. Trauma is stored in the body so we need our bodies to properly feel and integrate our stories of queer trauma and oppression. When your nervous system feels calm, it helps the other person co-regulate their nervous system to also feel calm.
Offer a compassionate acknowledgement: What does this person need to hear? Will this help this person feel emotionally safe and seen? “You are brave. I’m sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing.”
Counter the queer imposter syndrome: “You belong here. You’ve got this. We support you!”
Proactively find LGBTQ2IA+ Resources: “If you’re open to it, here’s how I can proactively support: Have you connected with [insert name of potential mentor]? Have you joined our LGBTQ2IA+ ERG?
Bearing witness is the embodied gift of empathy, presence and listening . It can help your colleagues to feel safe to be out at work.
5.
Skillfully challenge homophobic and transphobic microaggressions. Be open to giving and receiving feedback.
LGBTQ2IA+ microaggressions are verbal and nonverbal comments and behaviors that may feel innocuous but can actually cause deep harm.
For example, if you notice someone misgender another person, call everyone in the room “guys” or “ladies” or use the term “gay” in a pejorative way, give compassionate and direct feedback to the person who has committed harm.
Taking inspiration from my work as a speaker and facilitator for Radical Candor as I think about how to skillfully challenge microaggressions. When sharing the feedback, come from a place of compassion and collaboration, focusing on the context, behavior and impact. It will help keep both of your nervous systems calm and grounded.
Request to Share Feedback
“Can I share some reflections?”
“Can I offer a perspective?”
“Can I share some thoughts?”
Personal & Collective Impact
“It hurts our team when you say or do.”
“I felt hurt when you…”
“It felt painful when…”
[insert language or behavior that caused hurt or harm]
building on with vulnerability
“As it…”
“Because…”
“You might not know…”
“I care about our relationship, so I want you to…”
[insert vulnerable context]
Compassionate Request & Actions
“Will you..?”
“Would you be open to..?”
“What would you like to do…?
[insert request or simply listen to their ideas]
Feedback Scenario: The absence of sharing of pronouns during meeting introductions
Request to Share Feedback
“Can I share some thoughts on our last meeting?”
Personal & Collective Impact
“I know this isn’t your intention, but when you didn’t share your pronouns at the beginning of the meeting, I felt nervous sharing mine. As the leader of the team, you set the tone of what is allowed. I know you care about the wellbeing and safety of our team, so I wanted you to know. This is hard for me to share.”
Compassionate Request & Actions
“Would you be open to sharing what makes it uncomfortable for you?”
“Can we begin each meeting by encouraging everyone to share our pronouns and explaining why it’s important? Could you be a role model for the team?”
Before you share the feedback, take the time to check in with yourself to ensure you’re not just reacting. It can be helpful to ground yourself and reset your nervous system through deep breathing.
An invitation to take a few minutes to sit in silence and simply just breathe before sharing your feedback. An invitation to make your exhales longer than your inhales. When your exhalations are longer than inhalation, it activates the parasympathetic nervous system, the system responsible for sleep and rest. This is a powerful practice whether you’re giving or receiving the feedback.
If you feel too activated, you may need to wait to respond. Embodied practices like yoga, dance and intuitive movement are great ways to cultivate groundedness in your daily life, which can support you in times when you’re triggered, whether giving or receiving feedback. It can also be helpful to process difficult emotions (anger, sadness, rage, grief) and experiences with a therapist, friend, coach or colleague before sharing the feedback or post-feedback aftercare.
We are human and will likely make unconscious mistakes and microaggressions on our journey of critical LGBTQ2IA+ allyship. An encouragement to have grace for each other as we collectively work towards a more equitable society.
Siargao, Philippines
Photo by Bren
6.
Donate a percentage of your monthly income to support LGBTQ2IA+ organizations.
Donate a percentage of your income every month to LGBTQ2IA+ individuals and grassroots organizations focused on the most marginalized communities within the Alphabet, like Trans Women of Color Collective, Queer for Queer (run by a friend of mine), Trans Life Line, and Avril Heals (co-run by a colleague from my Masters in Expressive Arts Therapy). Support organizations like the Victory Institute (where I did Candidate Training in 2021), National LGBTQ Task Force and Human Rights Campaign that elevate the next generation of LGBTQ2IA+ political and civic leaders.
My area of fundraising is focused on the States, but get in touch if you’d like to support in a specific region or country. Depending on capacity, I can reach out to my network. I’m mindful that our current global fundraising efforts are concentrated within wealthier countries in North America and Europe where there is greater LGBTQ2IA+ acceptance.
In my experience with community fundraising in the States, the average donation is less than $100. Donating is a privilege— and if you have more to give, I encourage you to give generously.
“Donate in memory of my father and ally Tito Andrada who once wrote,’You were born to be loved and accepted’”
Over the course of three years, I donated $5,000+ of my speaker and coaching fees to City Surf Project in San Francisco, Pride in Manila, and Native American Health Center in Oakland.
In 2022, combining my passions for surfing and justice, I joined the Board of Directors of City Surf Project in supporting queer BIPOC youth to get out into the ocean, a place that has provided me with holding and healing in the absence of pride and belonging. I’m also a part of Queer Surf. Integrating my community activism with personal passion for surfing has brought more enduring joy to the practice of fundraising and organizing. You can donate to my 2024 Pride surf campaign for City Surf Project here.
A long-term aspiration is to help distribute the financial wealth of my community to support our most marginalized in their journeys of healing and transformation.
Workshop on Authentic Leadership at The New York Times
Photo by Jesse Whiles
7.
Mentor and elevate LGBTQ2IA+ employees into positions of leadership
If you are in a position of leadership, spend at least one hour a month coaching and mentoring your employees from LGBTQ2IA+, particularly those with intersecting marginalized backgrounds (BIPOC, Neurodivergence, Disabilities, etc.). Offer continuous feedback and support, recommend them to high-impact projects, raise their profile in performance reviews and all-company and team meetings. You can read this post on Equitable Coaching to gain even more practical strategies.
Global LGBTQ+ workplace organizations to explore:
Lesbians Who Tech (been a speaker and participant)
Out in Tech (been a speaker and participant)
Out & Equal (been a volunteer and participant)
LGBTQ+ Wellbeing Resources (mindful these are West Coast USA centric)
Online Queer Group Coaching with the amazing Liz Cruz
Sliding-Scale Queer Yoga at Arise in Oakland where I teach about every other month!
By-Donation Alphabet Meditation Group online and in person in Oakland at the justice-centered East Bay Meditation Center
Training with the Victory Institute
7.
Vote and volunteer! Campaign for love and civic justice.
“Every person deserves a life free from fear and discrimination.”
Contact your local representative in the States for LGBTQ2IA+ rights. Support the Equality Act in the USA to prevent discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender. It is legal to discriminate in 28 states!
LGBTQ2IA+ Americans can be denied service by healthcare providers, evicted from their homes and turned away from restaurants just because of who they are.
It’s an important election year, and we encourage you to vote for leaders who support the Equality Act, particularly in the Senate. We also encourage you to volunteer to get out the vote in key states.
I’m mindful this content is US-centric as many of my readers are based in the States, and encourage you to follow core principles around voting and volunteering for progressive LGBTQ+ candidates and leaders in your own country. And, even consider running for office yourself!
Get in touch if you’d like support, and we’ll do our best to help you find civic and political resources specific to your city, country and region.
Queer Yoga Collective at Arise in Oakland
Photo by Hannah Franco
8.
Lastly, remember to celebrate how far we’ve come! Queer joy keeps this work sustainable. ❤️
Love is Love is Love
My humble hope in sharing this offering is to foster more loving and equitable places to work and live, where we can feel safe in our bodies, genders and sexualities.
“Justice is what love looks like in public.”
My hope is Pride is no longer needed as a public awareness month because queerness across sexuality and gender becomes so accepted, so embraced and so embodied, it becomes as intuitive as breathing air.
Get in touch if you’d like to bring more pride and authentic leadership into your work and life. We’d love to support you.
Melissa Andrada (Mel - she/they), a Joy & Healing Keynote Speaker, Workshop Facilitator, Leadership Coach & Strategic Advisor collaborating with organizations to co-design cultures where people feel safe and joyful at work. ❤️